The Reason for Sorrow

I've been sitting here reading a blog for quite a while this morning... relating to the pain, relating to the comfort God's Word has been to me down thru my life. And I've been feeling ashamed: thinking to myself many times, "I'm the only one...." (Anyone hearing an echo of Elijah the prophet here?) I'm NOT the 'only one' who has been thru this 'valley of weeping'. Other have tread this path long before me, and others (countless others...) will continue to tread the same path until life on earth has been destroyed (which, I believe will be very soon).

Not too long after I graduated from high school (nearly 30 years ago, now) one of my best friends lost one of her baby twins to SIDS. I grieved with her, but didn't feel the pain as she did.

It wasn't until a few years after, that I grieved in a more personal way. I had miscarried my first child. It was even harder, because the medical term they used when talking with me was 'spontaneous abortion'. Those of you who are true believers know that the word 'abortion' carries such a darkness that we don't like to use it in relating to a personal experience. The other really hard thing to deal with were comments by folks that weren't really thought out. "You can always have another one" was one of those. Also, when I went to the doctor the following day AFTER I'd lost the baby in the night was spoken by a nurse who didn't have the bedside manner that one would hope a nurse would have. She said, "Didn't ya keep it?" (Meaning, the fetus.) No, I didn't have the presence of mind to think that you were supposed to bottle up 'the fetus' and take it to the doctor.... These comments have often reminded me of my mama who used to groan out loud about the senseless 'throwing' of scripture at a person when they were already 'down'. One she would say in a comical sing-song kind of voice was Romans 8:28. "For we know that all things work together for the good to them that love the Lord..." Great scripture. Truth, for sure. But don't throw it at someone who is swallowed up in the depths of pain and sorrow. Save it for the right moment. Ask God to help you to know what to say and when to say it.

In my physical and emotional pain after being awake all night, knowing what was going to happen, and determined to not wake my husband who had to preach the next morning, I lay exhausted on the guest room bed afterward. Only those of you who have experienced something like this will understand what I am about to say. God came to me, and gave me a deep, unexplainable peace, even in the midst of my pain. And the words I'd memorized from a song from Hymnology class in bible college came to me:

"What'ere my God ordains is right.
His will is ever just.
How'ere He orders now my cause,
I will be still and trust.
He is my God -
He owns me that I shall not fall.
And so, to Him I leave it all."

I have rested in that verse in many other trying circumstances that followed in the later years of my life: the suicide of a surrogate mom who I dearly loved... the loss of another baby... leaving one pastorate to go to another,,, mama's painful death with cancer....daddy's dementia and death some 5 years later... and my brother's sudden death on a Sunday afternoon not even a year ago.

Does this mean the pain is gone? No. Sometimes it's almost as fresh as if the circumstance had just occurred. I miss them so much - the one's who've died, and the ones I've left behind as we moved to serve in another congregation.

BUT GOD.... But God is still 'my rock, my fortress - in Him will I trust'. "The name of the Lord is a strong tower - the righteous run into it and they are saved." His Word has been counseling my soul for these many hard years. He is God, and He is good.

I felt He explained to me the 'reason' for these things years ago when I was in bible college. I ran acrossed the verse in II Corinthians 1:3 where it says, "God...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." He allows these hard places to test us, to strengthen us, and so that we, in turn, can help comfort others with the comfort we received from Him in our hard places.

Because of my own personal heartaches I have learned not only to sympathize, but to empathize. The latter is more important than the first.

God Shed His Grace on Thee

Tomorrow night I will attend a band and choir concert performance by the Sheridan High School Music Department. It is an annual event for Veteran's Day and usually very patriotic. Emily says it will not be patriotic this year. How sad.

America seems to have lost its patriotism. They are bitter because of the War in Iraq. How quickly the "We will Remember" statement from 9/11 seems to have been forgotten. Now Bin Laden supposedly is planning an attack that will be far 'greater' than that of 9/11. Maybe it's rumor, maybe not.....but the fact is.... lots of people really don't care. They just want their comfort and financial situation to stabilize regardless of the cost. Who cares if we end up sacrificing millions of unborn babies? Who cares if we turn into a Sodom and Gomorrah and 'legalize' same-sex marriage, which, according to the Word of God, is corrupt? Who cares if our president-elect mis-quotes and mocks the Holy Bible, yet professes to be a Christian? What about the 'wolf in sheep's clothing'?

ONE DAY ALL WILL CARE. Sadly, though, it will be too late. Many mock us and say we are not to follow such 'archaic teachings'. They call us narrow-minded. They do their best to make us look stupid. But ONE DAY they will realize the TRUTH and regret that they rejected it.

My song lately has been, "God HELP America, land that I love. Stand beside her and guide her through the night with the light from above.

Fall Scenes

We have had some beeeeutiful Fall days here in Central Indiana. The Soybeans are mostly harvested and now the corn is pretty much ready. What I love most is the subdued sunlight shining thru the foggy mornings. I was blessed to capture a few of those scenes one day last week

Restless

Wow, what a year it has been....this past week. Sigh. So much going on all the time, lately. I find myself just asking God to help me make it through. And I'd guess I'm not in that boat alone, am I?

My Discipleship class this past week began a lesson on being "Spiritually Prepared" with the "Truth to Remember" as "Kingdom Christians practice spiritual discipline." Sounds boring, huh? Boy are you wrong! The premise is that we move from the feeling of guilt and obligation in our spiritual discipline to restlessness. There! Isn't that better? Actually, I hear you groaning, "No, that's more confusing!" But think about it. When our hearts are restless, then is when we begin this terrific search for more of God, more of the things of God. We grow so hungry for more, and we are restless until our thirst is quenched. But it never is! That's bad! No! That's good! Our thirst for God should never be quenched... we should always be wanting more. Listen to this prayer from St. Augustine: "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord; and our heart is restless until it rests in thee." Amen!

Our new church is coming along - slowly, but surely. It's exciting to see something new done everytime I go out there. The Beery-Strong Memorial Shelter finally has doors all the way around, much thanks to Bob McClay who determined to get that much done before winter. And faithful Ed Bennett is out at the church every day overseeing the various jobs, and doing what may seem to be menial tasks. But we are so grateful to him for his sacrifice in doing this job. Our hopes are to be in there no later than February of '09. Here's just a few pics of the two buildings to date.

An Incredible Gift

It's a new day. However it started the same way it has for months now. I wake up. Either by alarm - internal or external. Then I lay there, begging God to 'not make me get up'! I tell Him I'm tired and although I know I have lots to do, I don't want to do it! (I can hear you laughing at me!) And God sighs a huge sigh of exasperation. "Not again", He thinks. "She is getting so whiny, sounding more and more like a baby with each day that passes. Why doesn't she just grow up?"

Poor God. He really has to work with me. I remember asking an evangelist a question one time, regarding a message he had delivered, and as I waited for his response, hoping for an answer that would satisfy the burning question I'd had within me from the time I heard him preach it, he simply smiled at me and said (in his Virgin Island's accent) "Sistuh Mahtin, I bet you give God a hawd time." Yup, that's me -- the one who gives God a hard time.

I have, in my possession, something that holds no monetary value, but I wouldn't part with it for the world. It was mama's. It hung in her window for years, and although I saw it there all those years, I never paid alot of attention to it, until the last six weeks of her life. It says, "Each new day is an incredible gift from God." I don't know where she got it, or even when, or how, but I realized it's importance as she lay in her hospital bed by the window where it hung in her last days. I especially realized how important it was to her when my sisters and I decided to decorate that window with Christmas decorations for her to enjoy during the Christmas season. We thought nothing of removing all of her window things and replacing them with Christmasy things....until she became highly disturbed to find that we'd removed that particular item. Each new day is an incredible gift from God. Needless to say, we quickly added that back in among the Christmas decor. Then, I began to realize this truth, "Each new day is an incredible gift from God."

That truth hit home again yesterday when, in the busyness of all that I had to do at the office, I stopped to make a quick call to order a port-a-pot to be placed on our new campus that's being built, for a camp-out that's scheduled this weekend. (I KNOW you are wondering where on earth this is going, or if I'm even remembering what I started to write about, but bear with me.) I ended up getting Jamie, the guy who works for the company and delivers to our particular area. I was just going to leave a quick message and get back to my newsletters which I needed to get done and mailed. Sigh. That was not to be. Jamie was in a conversational mode. He was incredibly upbeat. It was Monday, for goodness' sake! Aren't they s'posed to be dreary? Not for Jamie. He went on and on about how blessed he was, how good God was -- giving his friend who is dying more days to enjoy than the doctors thought he would have. It put me to shame.

Sometimes my life is so hectic I want to say, "Stop the world, I want to get off!" Then I remember, "Each new day is an incredible gift from God." It was for mama, who's days were numbered. It is for Jamie and his best friend, who has cancer and is not expected to live. Jamie is counting his friend's extended life 'an incredible gift from God.'

And so.... in spite of numberless days where I'm so tired from physical difficulties, and endless activity, I realize that, hey, considering the alternative, "Each new day is an incredible gift from God." And when I unwrap it anew each morning, I'm going to treat it as such -- an incredible gift.

Places I Remember

My long term memory is pretty good. My short term memory doesn’t like me. It must be so because it’s never there when I need it! A friend once told me, “You remember everything!” In fact, we reconnected in the past year, and the memories of our childhood days came flooding back. It was pleasant and painful at the same time. Very often, “Memories (as the songwriter said) light the corners of my mind.” I’m one who often reflects on all of these memories – the good, and the not so good. Some people take the past, people, and relationships and frequently move on – putting all of these behind them. In some cases, that’s necessary. In others, you lose a part of who you are and how you’ve come to be that way. That’s not me. I’ve learned from all of these experiences and relationships. They have formed me and shaped me, the painful and the sweet, and I don’t want to lose those memories.


A good part of my life has been composed of losing contact with people very dear to me. Sometimes it has been because of death, other times because of relocation, and then there’s the times of just parting ways because of the inability to see eye to eye and the discomfort of trying to communicate but having that ‘thing’ between the two. It’s been several years now that I finally concluded that these ‘losses’ were God’s way of teaching me to not hold to tightly to people, places or things. That’s an especially important factor if you’re in ministry, because when God tells you to move on, you must move on.

In the last few years of his life my daddy seemed to be haunted by the memories of his past. Strangely enough, his memories of fighting in World War II kept hidden in the deep recesses of his mind, possibly because those memories were so unspeakable. But I would often go in the Nursing Home to visit him, and he’d be reliving the death of loved ones from long ago. One that he relived over and over was the death of his Aunt Grace, who was very special to him. He would tell me he really needed to go to her funeral and how much he was going to miss her. Another time, it was his cousin who had passed away at the age of 34 and left 3 young children. It was daddy’s responsibility to inform those kids that their dad was never coming home again. He would say over and over, “That was the hardest thing I ever had to do.”

A friend from long ago once shared the lines of a song with me, and it often comes to mind as I reflect on all of those with whom my life path has crossed. As I see the worlds of this song, I see faces…relive experiences…feel warmth….or pain…I often even laugh. Why? Because of the wealth I have in people who have touched my life in some way that has forever left an embedded image in my heart and mind.

There are places I remember all my life,
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places have their moments
Of … friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all.

Often when I’m in the quiet places, my mind wanders back to those in my past that I’ve loved deeply, most of them now gone, and I ache to see them again, to communicate with them. Maybe they’re not gone, but we’ve lost touch. I’m not sure which is harder, those who have passed on, or those with whom I no longer have contact with. Either way, when I’m reflecting on them, I’m thanking God that He ever allowed our paths to cross. I have such a rich heritage of Godly people who have come into my life that have forever altered me and have been the bedrock of foundation thru Jesus that I’ve been able to build upon. I’m so thankful for those dear people that God placed on my path of life that has left me with good memories.

I DON'T BELONG

I’ve been noticing from my window at my computer desk what seems to be a Hummingbird Reunion. They are everywhere! If they’re not feeding from the potluck at the hummingbird feeder, they’re deep in conversation, relaxing together in the living room of our chestnut tree.

I’m not real familiar with this concept of family reunions. I’ve only been to one or two in my family and they were very small and I can’t say that I got real acquainted with family members that I didn’t know real well. Strangely enough, as I thought about it, I thought, even my immediate family I don’t know real well. I have brothers and sisters that barely know me and vice versa. I pretty much feel as if I don't belong. Sad, huh?

Maybe I have the feelings of not belonging because of my ongoing battle with depression. If there’s anything that makes one feel so alone and alienated, it’s depression. I can’t explain that – but I’m sure anyone who’s had a history of depression/mental illness will know what I’m talking about. I feel somewhat like a stranger in this world. It’s okay, though. I’ve learned not only to deal with it and live with it, but am aware that it’s the perspective of a Christian. We are but strangers and pilgrims on this earth. Our lives are but vapors or mists which is why we’re not to store up treasures on this earth. That’s why the feeling of alienation is often very persistent, and it should be for we Christians! I don’t belong here. It kinda makes me feel good to have the bible describe me as a stranger. Everybody else pretty much tells me that, so when the bible verifies it, and tells me it’s because my home isn’t down here, but ‘up there’…..then I can tell people that Jesus deliberately made me this way!

We studied that in our Discipleship Class at church this week. We talked about Heaven, and our perspective of it with regard to this present world and the ties we have to it. It was a good study. It made me more anxious to go home. Home. Where mama and daddy now reside. Home, where my sweet brother, Pat now lives. Joni Eareckson Tada in her book “Heaven” calls it “The land of ‘no more’s’ ”. Revelation 21:4 describes it, but in Joni’s words….”No more sorrow, crying, pain, curse, and – praise be to God – no more death.” Heaven will be “an undoing of all the bad things we know as God wipes away every tear and closes the curtain on pain and disappointment.”

I don’t belong here. I'd rather be in a place where I feel like I belong....someplace like home. So I’m packing my bags for home – the land of no more’s. For me that means no more back pain, headaches, depression, disease. No more Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Communism. No more Wesleyan, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons. No more cyclones, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods. No more famine, killing, Cancer, Aids. No more sin. No more feelings of not belonging.

There are so many songs written about heaven. Here’s just a few lines from some that I’ve had on my mind lately.

I DON’T BELONG Buddy Green & Gaithers

I don’t belong and I’m going someday
Home to my own native land
I don’t belong and it seems like I hear
The sound of a “welcome home” band
I don’t belong, I’m a foreigner here
Singing a sojourner’s song
I’ve always known this place ain’t home
And I don’t belong

GOING HOME Bill & Gloria Gaither

Many times in my childhood when we'd traveled so far,
By nightfall how weary I'd grow;
Father's arms would slip 'round me,
So gently he'd say,
"My child, we're going home."

(Chorus)
Going home, I'm going home,
There's nothing to hold me here;
Well, I've caught a glimpse of that heavenly land,
Praise God, I'm going home.

Now the twilight is fading and the day soon shall end;
I get homesick the farther I roam;
But my Father has led me each step of the way,
And now we're going home.

HOME Gaithers?

Home is where the heart is, my heart's on home,
Even though I never really had one to call my own.
But I've been given a key, by the carpenter of Galliee,
And the interests’ paid - the title's made to me.

Home ... where there is no night,
Home... where the Son is the Light.
The place I've been dreaming of so long.
Loved ones there to welcome me,
But His sweet face will be the first I see.
When my journey's over, I am going home.

Everybody dreams... of going home it seems,
And lately I'm no exception to the rule.
But home is so much more...
Than windows, walls, and doors,
It's the warm embrace and the smiling face
Waiting there for you

Life's Nice Surprises

A really neat thing happened after my dad died. It's odd, really -- to hear someone say that. But... once you hear about it, you'll be feeling like you've just watched a Hallmark movie. At least, that's how I look at it.

Daddy died of congestive heart failure on February 21st, 2007. I sat by his bed with my hand on his arm so that he'd know someone was there. I would have talked with him, but I was too choked up. It's very hard to watch someone you love struggling to breathe...and wondering when the last breath will be taken.

At his memorial service on February 24, many old family friends showed up to pay homage to my dad. My brother, Pat, gave a Eulogy that surpassed any I've ever heard. I wish I had it on tape. Not that I'm trying to be morbid, but he so aptly expressed the love that my father had for his children, and how he prayed for them, how he loved my mama.... It was hard for Pat to do, I'm sure -- but he did a superb job.

There at the service was a lady named Susan. She had sung with a quartet that my dad had sung with for years, and her husband was my best friend's dad, and my daddy's best friend. His name was Bob Maddux, and he had gone home to be with Jesus in the early 80's. I so wanted to ask her about my friend, Julie. I hadn't seen or heard from Julie since my college years, and I had no idea where she was, what she was doing. But... I didn't ask Susan. Somehow I was talking with Julie's step sister and she told me that Julie was a teacher in Alexandria, Indiana and that Julie's husband taught in the Delta schools.

I did some sleuthing after that and found Julie! However I didn't contact her right away. I was a little nervous. I mean, SOMETHING must have caused us to go our separate ways.... MAYBE she could care less if she ever saw or heard from me again....

So I waited. And I traveled constantly down memory lane. Julie. We were just little tots when we became friends. We went to the same little country church for the first 11 years of our lives. We spent Sunday afternoons together..... spent the night at each other's homes.... played house... read and shared books with each other... traveled the United States and Canada together. She was my best friend. I never had a friend like her after that. I wondered what she was like now and would she welcome hearing from me?

I finally emailed her. (Got her email address off the school website). After all, she didn't have to answer an email, didn't have to talk to me, and I vowed not to continuously check my email day and night til I heard from her. Alot of good that did! Good thing I didn't follow through on that, cuz she emailed me right back! It made me feel really good to know that she had often wondered about me, too. (And she was glad to hear from me! How cool is that?)

Not too long after we were able to get together, Steve and I, and Julie and her husband, Sam. It just felt so natural and the years just fell away as we talked, traveled together down memory lane, joked about the spats we used to have as kids....

Julie called me last night as she was heading home from work -- just out of the blue. I hadn't talked with her in several weeks, and was feeling sorta down. And after we talked and laughed and hung up I just thanked God once again for opening the door on an old friendship... with Julie.

"Dem Ol Crats!"

I've been avoiding television all week like the plague. I just don't want to hear about the Democratic Convention, Barak Obama, the Clintons, Hollywood, or anything of that immoral sentiment. Now, I know, the Republicans aren't squeaky clean, either, but they do lean more toward the upper end of moral decency than those "Dem Ol Crats!"

So.... every time a news cast comes on about the DNC or any of....'them', I turn the channel real fast. I just know 'they're' spying on me to see what I'll do! Funny thing is, as soon as I turn the channel, the next station starts in on the same thing! Sigh. What's the world coming to?

We're in a real pickle, folks. How do we vote this time? I'm praying real hard over this one! Looks like we'll have to choose the lesser of two evils. Me....I'm still hoping the Lord comes back either before elections or the inauguration! My brother, Pat, and I had this conversation quite regularly for several months, and he'd laugh when I told him what I was hoping for. Then.... he died in February. Sure he could laugh! HE didn't have to worry about it!

I remember when Clinton was first running for office. Emily was 18 months old. Steve and I had gone to visit my brother Pat in Kentucky. That was around Halloween and someone from his church that year had stolen a "Vote for Clinton" sign and stuck it in his front yard! That was a prank that was hard to stomach. And those 8 years were constant heartburn. Fact is, we've been paying for those 8 years while our president Bush has been in office -- trying to clean up his predecessor's mess. It's no wonder we're in the condition we're in.

My husband hates it when I voice my political opinion at church, so I try to keep it down to a low roar. (Boy, is it hard!) But, when you're in our position, it IS important. Then, he has a guest youth speaker Sunday night who blatantly blasts the Democrats, and I looked at Steve and said, "You don't let ME do that!" He just shook his head. Poor guy.

So what's the point of this blog? It's simple. I just get a chance to let off steam. Then I get to preach. And here's what I 'preach'. Pray hard about who you vote to elect as our next president of the United States. Ever had a premonition about something? This is one premonition I can't shake..... we could be in DEEP trouble people. We are in a rapid descent of moral decline. How we vote will determine how much more rapidly we go down.... or up.

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." II Chron. 7:14.

Pray, people, pray!

Dreaming of Topsail Beach

Here's what I'm dreaming about....and missing terribly.

Whoa Boys!

So Steve and I signed up to go with the band to Holiday World..... It was our chance to go at a much cheaper rate, plus take Emily and of course, Katie was already going with the band. It was going to be great! Then Steve found out it was on a Wednesday....during our Family Camp. Oh no - can't have that! So he dropped out. I'm looking for a partner. Someone to go with ME - cuz Em will certainly find someone to hang out with from the band, right? So I ask a friend who's already suggested she just might have to go with me that day, but...if so, I will have to ride the rides. That's no problem for me --- I love the rides! And, most of them love me! (Last I remembered). Well, she calls me back and says y'know, it's s'posed to be really hot that day and when she sweats, she really sweats and she's miserable and blah, blah, blah, but..... IF I can't find anyone else, she'll go. I call a friend of Em's -- she'd love to go!

We get up at 5 A.M. and leave by 6:20. It takes nearly 4 hours to drive there. (If I'd ridden with the band on the bus, I'd have had to pay a $30 background check fee not that I was worried about paying $30......) ANYWAY, It rains off and on the whole time we're headed there, sometimes pouring rain - y'know, the kind that slows you down 'cuz you can't see? Then we arrive. It only rained ONE more time that day --- as the band was playing. We had to run for cover to do the rest of our program. (I was holding Katie's music, because her little music holder had broken).

So.....while I was holding Katie's music, I told Em and Jordan they could go on in and to meet up with me later after the band was done. That was 10 A.M. I saw them again at about 1:30. I finally got bored and tired of trying to have fun by myself ( I hadn't ridden any rides), so I went back to my car, and studied my Sunday School lesson for awhile, then I threw my book in my purse, took it back into the park and studied it while I had lunch. I was having a blast! (Do you hear the 'Sarah-casm' here?)

Emily and Jordan showed up around 1:30-ish. So we found a place where they wanted to eat lunch, and while we're eating Jordan says she wants to ride this roller coaster and points to it, but Emily won't ride it with her. I say, I'll ride it -- I have no problem with roller coasters. She says, "really?" "Will you ride in the very front with me?" I say, "Sure - no problem." A little while later we are finally on the roller coaster, front row. It's called "The Voyage". I tell Jordan, "What happens on "The Voyage" stays on "The Voyage". It s l o w l y creeeeeeeps to the top of the first and highest point..... I look straight down some 30,0000 feet (Okay, so MAYBE I'm SLIGHTLY exaggerating) and moan, "God, help me!" and we're off! I don't remember much else after that except nausea, screaming, nausea, bumping left and right, nausea, head jerking all directions, nausea, holding tighter and tighter to the bar, constantly ramming Jordan with my left side, oh, and ....nausea. When it was over, I bravely stood, and walked past the wall where no one could see me and I held it up for awhile. Then I said, "Let's go to the water park and find a lounge chair where I can lay down and you girls can go have some fun!"

Back to Normal.....whatever that is!

Just got back from vacationing at Topsail Beach, NC. It's a little area on a small island below Wilmington, NC that's just perfect! Very little commercialization, blue water, clean sandy beaches, slow-paced, easy-to-walk-around kinda place. You oughta go sometime! We had a nice time. This is our second year there. We shared a little house with some friends who just 'happened' upon this place that's not outrageous in price, and it's settled just 200 yards between ocean and inlet - the best of both worlds!

Now we're hitting the ground running with LOTS to do, and ready to settle in with our wonderful church family. Sigh. God is good. And to top it all off -- just One and a half weeks and the girls are back in school! (SMILE!)

Tomorrow Emily and I get to go to Holiday World in Southern Indiana with the Sheridan Blackhawks band (which Katie is Marching with this year as a 'guard' girl). It's s'posed to be a beautiful day....hot, humid, chance of isolated thunderstorms. Oooooooh, can't wait. (NOT!) I'd probably be a bit more excited, 'cept I had a bit much caffeine and sugar on the way home last night and after getting in at 11:30 and settling in to my own bed (THERE"S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.....) I laid awake about all night -- eyes wide open. Silly me. Now I feel brain dead, but I have lots of work to do........ another sigh.

I will post some pictures later of Topsail -- you'll be booking your flights immediately, I'm sure.